The first time I DANCED in two years

The first time I DANCED in two years
Dancing is pretty tiring, but I'm still gonna get dressed up and try

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

I Got Out!

Finnnnally, I escaped from this tiny little (not so dingy but sort of messy at the moment) dungeon that has become my room, and gotten a chance to get out of the house! My father finally installed yellow lights throughout the entire house so that I would not get burned, so I have been able to move around my own home more comfortably as well... Though it almost feels odd to do so because I'm not used to it. I'm delighted to get used to it though.
Tonight I needed an escape- Daddy and I were discussing my art business, and I was getting upset and I just needed an out. So mom took me on a drive around 11:30pm, and we went to Applebees. The lighting is fairly dim in there, and they have colored lamps. Even though the bulbs are on the bottom, they arent really all that white but more of a yellow in hue, yellow enough that I could last a through dinner comfortably. 9
Well, it was more of a desert. We got a booth by the window (actually we MOVED our stuff, there was hardly anyone there that time of night so the place was empty. She put us in seats across from a plushy booth, and the hard seats would have hurt me after very long. So Mom asked if I wanted to move and we did. They didnt mind) where we could see the snow... I love the smell of the crisp snow. Haha we got a foot recently and are getting about another foot in a day or so. I was so excited to be outside before it had melted that as I walked to the car I kept leaning on my cane and pressing a shoe in the snow to hear it crunch beneath my foot (mom wouldnt let me walk through it it was too deep and I hadnt worn boots haha). I did the same thing on the way out of the car on the way home, I'm such a little kid. Mom said she didnt know what "snow" smelled like, it just all smelled like winter to her. But to me snow has a distinct smell. Mom's scent glands are well.. fading though, She'll say it herself. Mine have been made stronger by Lyme hers weaker. (And perhaps age too, who knows, I think its Lyme though.) But I digress.
We ordered drinks first. I got an iced tea, unsweetened no lemon, and Mom had lemon and seltzer. Her throat has been bothering her lately because of all the heat we have had to have on due to the snow.. All the dry hot air is terrible for the sinuses. My own are very,, runny at the moment, I keep blowing my nose. I hattteee people that sniffle. The mucus goes right down their throat. I can always almost taste it when they sniffle. It makes me shiver. My daddys' a sniffler. I'm always scolding him, especially since he carries around a hankercheif all the time haha. Of course, I dont hate my daddy :)
For food I asked if I could have french onion soup. It was Mom's idea- I was having trouble finding something that looked good on the menu that didnt have meat in it. The waiter came back though and said they had literally justt sent out the last of it. It was ok. I'm sure it couldnt have beat my momma's. Mom said she was glad she wasnt hungry- French onion is her favorite and she would have been so disappointed haha. They suggested the tomato basil soup instead and I went with it. Also Mom and I got a triple dark chocolate hot fudge cake, with a scoop of ice cream to the side. The plate was done so artistically. The cake was like a volcano when you cut into it, with a pillar of molten fudge cutting through the center and pooling at the top. It was one of the most evil and delish things I've ever eaten in my entire life, and I throughly plan on going back and ordering it again sometime- I highly reccomend it. I wish I knew its proper name. I'm too lazy to look it up, I'm just describing it haha. Words dont do it justice. It was an orgasm for the tongue. Mom said Dad would be disappointed in us for eating all that chocolate (as she scooped up some excess fudge with her spoon off the plate) and I informed her that we would just have to tell him we were women and that is what women do: Embrace chocolate. Especially during Valentine's Day week! Hahaha. Oooh I must buy myself a box later this week to devour Sunday hahaha. (And of course give Mom the caramel square, since it's her favorite)
The soup was well, ok. It sort of tasted like Campbells, but with all the spices it made it thicker and tasted similar to my mothers homemade tomato sauce. I had them pack it up to take home- To pour over some spagetti. Just cause I didnt like it in one format doesnt mean I should waste all that good money Mom was so generous to spend on me. Mom thought it was a clever idea. Though she thought I should have picked off the croutons before pouring it into the new container, because now they will get all soggy and be crouton mush XD hahaha.
I guess that makes it even thicker, like a stew? lolol. It was good, I just was full from the cake I suppose. I sort of want some more now, but am hesitant to get up and walk all the way across the house and get some. There are still white lights in the refridge, and Mom is sleeping downstairs on the big couch in the family room since when we got home Daddy was out cold and she didnt want to wake him. Also she was going to read a bit before bed, cos shes not really tired, but she doesnt want to stay with me since I tend to stay up a bit later than she preffers haha. And also the tap-tapping drives her mad, when shes trying to sleep and I'm doing this right next to her :x
We got in the parking lot at twelve thirty, after realizing we were the last ones there. We hadnt realized the time until we got in the car I dont think; We were impressed they didnt kick us out. They didnt even put up the chairs in our area, though they did in others. It was very nice of them. Our waiter was nice too, though he kept looking down my cleavage I'm pretty sure I caught him once or twice. I kept having to pull up my top. I used to love wearing this shirt and it's so tight across my chest now that I've gained weight! I actually dont think I've worn it in quite some time. It makes me look like that country singer, whats her name, Dolly Parton hahaha. Not quite as blonde though, and with a lott less makeup. I like her.. She has a pretty voice. And shes aged so nicely, with.. hm I'm not sure if shes ever had plastic surgery I dont thiink so. I know she was never y'know, enhanced, I was talking about her face. Though I suppose boobs to change too after one ages, with sagging and all. But Lord I hope I can be in as good of shape as she is when I'm her age! And as active.. (The figure and the activeness probably go hand in hand hehe)

I'm gonna go, I have to go read an email from a friend in college- I hardly get to talk to her anymore, I miss her soooo much. She's my very best friend, my, hm, second oldest friend, I met her when I was seven and we've been so close since. I cant wait to read what she has to say. And also I missed an episode of "CSI Miami" tonight, which was supposed to be some really unique and cool episode where a dude got offed in space, so I gotta go to and watch that. They have tons of free shows and movies -old andd new, there.. and one doesnt even have to join anything to view them all. Its awesome. They have more stuff than that, but thats all I go on it for.
Anyway, take care all.
@>--->------ Jenny

Sunday, February 7, 2010

Apraxia- Equivalent of Brain Fog?

I'm sorry I haven't posted in a few days. My seizures are getting worse. Far worse than I'd hoped they'd get. Every couple words I find myself backing up and deleting because I keep messing up multiple times because my hands just plain won't do what my brain tells it to. My family and others I find can get frusturate with me... well except for two of my friends, who are very patient with me and Amaaazing. My family is getting wonderful at getting not so frusturated, and putting up with me. I guess time is just teaching everyone how to handle this whole thing right. It was hard at first, but we all think its a lot easier now, i believe.
A lot of "Lymies" call this whole thing "brain fog" or "lyme fog". What That always drove me secretly NUTS because of the unscientific sounding nature of the term and my fear of not being taken seriously when trying to describe my difficulty. People always take you much more seriously if you have a fancy Greek name attached to your sickness, rather than something stupid, like "lyme fog". Blechh.
Well very recently one of my friends sent me the name of something he thought I really should check out called Apraxia. When I did, I was delighted (thank you Jonathan Harper!), it sounded exactttly like me, every last symptom:
Apraxia is a neurological disorder characterized by loss of the ability to execute or carry out learned purposeful movements, despite having the desire and the physical ability to perform the movements. It is a disorder of motor planning which may be acquired or developmental, but may not be caused by incoordination, sensory loss, or failure to comprehend simple commands (which can be tested by asking the person to recognize the correct movement from a series). Apraxia should not be confused with aphasia, an inability to produce and/or comprehend language, abulia, the lack of desire to carry out an action, or allochiria, in which patients perceive stimuli to one side of the body as occurring on the other.
The root word of apraxia is praxis, Greek for an act, work, or deed. It is preceded by a privative a, meaning without.
There are several types of apraxia including:
  • ideomotor (inability to carry out a motor command, for example, "act as if you are brushing your teeth" or "salute") - the form most frequently encountered by physicians,
    • limb apraxia when movements of the arms and legs are involved,
    • nonverbal-oral or buccofacial (inability to carry out facial movements on command, e.g., lick lips, whistle, cough, or wink),
  • ideational (inability to create a plan for or idea of a specific movement, for example, "pick up this pen and write down your name"),
  • limb-kinetic (inability to make fine, precise movements with a limb),
  • verbal (difficulty planning the movements necessary for speech), also known as Apraxia of Speech (see below)
  • constructional (inability to draw or construct simple configurations), such as intersecting pentagons,
  • oculomotor (difficulty moving the eye, especially with saccade movements)
Each type may be tested at decreasing levels of complexity; if the person tested fails to execute the commands, you can make the movement yourself and ask that the person mimic it, or you can even give them a real object (like a tooth brush) and ask them to use it.
Apraxia may be accompanied by a language disorder called aphasia.

[edit] Apraxia of speech

Symptoms of Acquired Apraxia of Speech (AOS) and Childhood Apraxia of Speech (CAS) include inconsistent articulatory errors, groping oral movements to locate the correct articulatory position, and increasing errors with increasing word and phrase length. AOS often co-occurs with Oral Apraxia (during both speech and non-speech movements) and Limb Apraxia.
Childhood Apraxia of Speech (CAS) presents in children who have no evidence of difficulty with strength or range of motion of the articulators, but are unable to execute speech movements because of motor planning and coordination problems. This is not to be confused with phonological impairments in children with normal coordination of the articulators during speech.
Acquired apraxia of speech involves the loss of previously acquired speech levels. It occurs in both children and adults who have (prior to the onset of apraxia) acquired some level of speaking ability. Unlike Childhood Apraxia of Speech, AOS is typically the result of a stroke, tumor, or other known neurological illness or injury.

[edit] Causes

Ideomotor apraxia is almost always caused by lesions in the language-dominant (usually left) hemisphere of the brain, and as such these patients often have concomitant aphasia, especially of the Broca or conduction type. Left-side ideomotor apraxia may be caused by a lesion of the anterior corpus callosum.
Ideational apraxia is commonly associated with confusion states and dementia.
( turned out my mom had even looked it up in a medical dictionary when I told her about it, I was slightly peeved she hadnt said anything. Jon said he thought this was all really onset by my seizures, and I agree. My seizures started when I was around fourteen, and thats around the time the confusion started, though then "mild" was well, a "mild" way of describing it haha. I.. Literally have every one of those symptoms. Sometimes my eyes are stuck straight, and I cant move them, and people are like "wtf are you staring at?" and I'm just like "nothing, nothing"... but I cant stop, and I cant make my brain explain whats wrong. I've had to have my father help me up onto the bed when I cant make my leg lift more than halfway, when it moved perfectly fine earlier. I couldnt draw or do my nails for a whole year because it was so severe, the part of the apraxia that affected my motor ability. I often cant make my hands type what I want here and have to go back and its terribly frusturate. I used to be able to speed type. A handwriting expert would never be able to tell whose handwriting mine is because its changed so many times, and was fairly messy for quite a while. Now its much more... well the most uniform its ever been because I go soooo slow and every movement and stroke is so carefully thought out. Yet still there are often crossing-out marks.
I know the damage to my brain is permanent. Reading that... if that IS the equivalent of whatever the heck "brain fog" is, just confirms that belief. I'm just scared because these seizures are now multiple times a day, daily. Even now, I feel the pain of one that I had earlier. Sigh.
Twiggy helps take my mind off it all. She is sleeping right next to me now, her lower "bunk bed" is the same height as my bed. (I got them a pretty fancy cat bed, I described it in an old post heh) She never used to sleep in the bottom, well rarely, but I dont think she ever did overnight just perhaps for daytime naps and to cuddle me; but since we put a blanket on the "top bunk" whose side drapes down tenting the lower bunk she looooves it. She loves boxes, forts, tents, the like. I was the exact same way as a kid. I remember falling asleep in a tent of couch cushions several times.... along with a gazillion stuffed animals hahaha. This is definately the first time shes slept there all night long. I like it because its easier to snuggle her. She usually sleeps on the top bunk or the big seventies style chair pulled next to my bed. Either way shes very close, but shes closest this way <3 Shes my baby after all, and I love cuddling her. It sort of makes the whole world feel better.
Shes curled on her back, sort of on her side facing away from me at the moment. I'm going to go snuggle her some more :)
Take care everyone